The Case of the Husker Hocker

The morning the news came out that actor Robert Blake was suspected in his wife’s murder, I was eating pancakes with my friend Heavy D. He looked up from his newspaper and said confidently, “Baretta did it.”

I asked how he could be so sure. According to the account, Blake’s wife was gunned down after dinner while he returned to the restaurant to retrieve a gun he’d left at the table. “I grew up on a farm. We always owned guns,” D said, pausing dramatically to take a long draw from his coffee. “You don’t ‘forget’ where a gun is. You know. It’s a goddamn gun.” His reasoning made so much sense that my only reply was, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”

Which brings us, of course, to Chase Daniel’s accusation that a Cornhusker player spit on him before the Mizzou-Nebraska game. Let’s examine this damning charge using the same gimlet-eyed logic.

The headline in Sunday's Omaha World-Herald blared the ugly incrimination: “Daniel: Huskers a dirty team.” “They came out hitting,” the Missouri quarterback said. “Nebraska was definitely one of the dirtiest teams I’ve played. It’s football, so you’ve got to be ready for it…” When asked to elaborate, he added, “Walking out before pregame, I got spit on. I’ve never really done that before.” Queried as to whether it was by a player, he added, “Yes, by a player. A Nebraska player.”

The next question, naturally, was “who?” Perhaps realizing the lung cookie was out of the proverbial bag, Daniel declined to finger the alleged perpetrator, concluding, “He knows who he is.” This interview led to what the media tagged “Loogiegate,” launching a feverish attempt to determine if Daniel was telling the truth, and if so, to identify the Cornhocker.

Sadly, before Loogiegate could gain any momentum, both sides squeegeed it up. “We’ve communicated with Nebraska yesterday,” Pinkel said the Monday following the game, according to the Columbia Tribune. “And as far as I’m concerned, from the University of Missouri’s standpoint, it’s a dead issue.” Nebraska coach Bo Pelini told reporters that he addressed his team about the incident and that “it’s a lot of ‘He said, he said.’ I don’t think our coaching staff was really aware of it. We did our investigation, and it’s over.” When asked if Pinkel told him who the alleged spitter was, Pelini added, “It’s a little bit gray.”

So we may never know whom the expectorator was. The question remained though, did it actually happen or did Chase Daniel make it up? On that matter, we can perform a virtual swab test on the spittle. Let’s look at the facts:

1) Daniel made the comment moments after Mizzou had dealt the Cornhuskers their worst home loss in 53 years. Daniel lacked a revenge motive because, with the Tigers having just dismantled Nebraska on their own field, he’d already delivered it.

2) Let’s play act for a moment. Say you’re minding your own business, walking to the office, when you pass somebody on a busy intersection who works at a rival company. As you walk by, your head recoils from a moist projectile of spit, mucus and an undigested piece of fried egg sandwich. You’re stunned, then disgusted, as the protein and amino acid mixture slithers down your neck. But as you duck into a nearby restaurant to wipe yourself down with the nearest napkin you can find, you turn just in time to see the fuzz apprehending the cad for jaywalking. The perpetrator receives a full cavity search right there on the sidewalk, as hundreds of pedestrians guffaw and teenagers with cell phone cameras click away, many of them posting the video on YouTube. The shame and humiliation of the officer violating his nether regions will no doubt haunt your foe for the rest of his life. Now ask yourself, and be honest: when you told this story to your friends, wouldn’t you still begin by telling them that he spit on you first?

3) Circumstantial evidence department: Before the game began, Bo Pelini was widely quoted as saying that he hoped to shut out the Tigers. To shut down an offense that averaged just under 54 points coming into the game, his team, especially the defense, would have to have played out of their minds. The Cornhuskers clearly did, racking up 14 penalties. As David St. Hubbins philosophized in Spinal Tap, there’s a fine line between clever and stupid. The Huskers may have been too ramped up for their own good.

4) Let’s say—and you would never, ever do this—but let’s just say for the sake of argument that you decided to spit on somebody. Really work up a juicy one and let them have it. Again, you would never consider doing this, and it’s a purely hypothetical situation. But let’s fantasize that you decided to go for it. The question is, when? Any intelligent, hypothetical, would-be spitter knows that the correct answer is “when nobody’s looking.” Alrighty, then, when is nobody looking at a college football game? When are there no cameras focused on every nuance of every play? At what juncture are the people in the stands busy adjusting their seat cushions?

“'Walking out before pregame…' Daniel said." Bingo.

5) Nebraskans eat a lot of corn, which contains about 65% water. Cornhuskers are full of spit.

So there you have it. Irrefutable evidence that Nebraska football aids and abets spitters, perhaps entire sleeper cells of them.

Lady History will decree that the Cornhusker program must henceforth wear the Scarlet “S.” At his Tuesday news conference, coach Pelini sounded weary about the story that, unlike launched drool, could not be easily wiped away. “It hurts. That’s not the type of program I run and I’m going to run. I think the allegations are unfortunate. By no means am I calling Chase Daniel a liar, but I wasn’t there, and there are mixed stories. Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the clock and go get a video and see exactly what happened.”

Plausible deniability. A convenient alibi. And while you wouldn’t let the bloody-handed Robert Blake near this case, maybe another TV gumshoe would like to take a crack at it. One with experience in getting the drop on arrogant, well-heeled ne’er do wells like, say, the head coach of a major college football team.

Lt. Columbo, do you solve spit takes?