Gameday: Columbia, Missouri

Tigers vs. Furman Paladins
Sept. 19, 2009
Missouri AP ranking: none

Mizzou seems intent on scheduling one NCAA Subdivision team every year. They're not alone in doing so--in fact, all the major programs seem to enjoy slumming a little. Now and then one of the heavy underdog squads will beat a bigger program (Appalacian State famously did it to Michigan two years ago). When that happens, it's mascot-bites-wealthy alumni news. Mostly, though, the Subdivision team (they used to be called Division II) plays, almost always on the road, takes their paycheck, and goes back to whatever compass direction is part of their name.

During dinner at the Publican the other night, I asked my Golden Domer friend Dennis what he would tell a student-athlete about to be slaughterd for the express purpose of his school pocketing a cool $425,000. He smiled and said, "Do it for the art department." In that context, it seemed, if not noble, at least less mercenary.

This year's scrimmage was named Furman--unaffiliated, as best as I can tell, with Mark Furman of O.J. Simpson trial fame, although the school is located in South Carolina, so I could be wrong about that. Their team name is the Paladins, defined in the American Heritage College Dictionary as a "paragon of chivalry; a heroic champion; a strong supporter or defender of a cause; and of the 12 peers of French Emperor Charlemagne's court." In other words, they aren't sure exactly what their mascot should look like.

Cousin Jimmy used my tickets, taking his family. He texted me that he was rear-ended while driving from St. Louis to Columbia, and I correctly surmised that he was referring to his car. My concern over the fate of the tiger tail that all traveling fans dangle from their trunk turned out to be unnecessary--it took a licking and kept on wagging. I assume his wife and two children were ok, too.

The Tigers offense stalled a little on their first couple of series, but even mentioning that is akin to complaining about Cindy Crawford's mole. The score was 42-0 at the half. The beer was cold. My hamburger was delicious. And going to a bar to watch the game cost less than staying on my couch and ordering it on pay-per-view.

Still, I had seen enough, and took off at the half. Back home, I toggled my remote between Notre Dame-Michigan State and Nebraska-Va Tech--two games in which the outcome wasn't a foregone conclusion. Later that evening I would join three other friends to watch the Georgia Bulldogs and Arkansas Razorbacks play less defense than the old ABA in a back-and-forth game that wasn't decided until the fourth quarter.

And therein lies the problem with playing the Furman Paladins of the world. You know who's going to win, so there's no real satisfaction to beating them. You end up envying the fans of any team that takes on somebody their own size.

I'd love to see the NCAA come out with a rule that said, "go ahead and schedule whoever you want, but BCS wins against Subdivision teams won't count toward bowl eligibility." Won't hold my breath, though--they may be small, but Division II schools still want that filthy lucre.

Furman art department, enjoy the new paint supplies. And athletes, just remember that you did it for old FU.